Miley Cyrus' song, ‘Flowers’ is relishing its success among the young ever since its release this January. Significant credit is being given to the lyrics: “I can buy myself flowers, I can write my name in the sand, I can talk to me for hours and say things you can't understand, I can take me dancing and I can hold my hands. Yes, I can love me better than you can.” In an interview with Vogue, Cyrus revealed that the actual end chorus was “ but I can't love me any better than you do.” However, she changed the lyrics in the final composition and the song became an international hit.
‘Flowers’ and its changed lyrics struck a chord with an entire
generation of youth brazenly choosing to love themselves, publicly and
unapologetically. The basic premise of the concept of ‘Self-love’ is that it
must come before anyone or anything you ever choose to love. The way you love
yourself then teaches other people how to love you. This also sets a bar for
how you wish to be treated in general. Self-love is increasingly being talked about
as mental health issues keep rising among the youth. However, to me, it seemed just another trend on the internet, like the reel revolution on YouTube
and Instagram. Still, the increasing traction of happy singlehood and seemingly
independent lifestyles sustained by the power of self-love was impossible to be
dismissed, just like that. They say, “One should never accept without questioning
and never reject without understanding".
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Painting on a school wall in Delhi's Laxminagar |
If ‘Flowers’ had come 3 years ago, I would have pitied Cyrus for her breakup. I would argue, all these tropes are coping mechanisms for a failure to establish meaningful relationships. What’s so great in loving yourself as much as it can be in earning somebody else’s love and respect! The ‘modified’ end chorus of the lyrics would have been just the thing to end my argument on a high!
Questioning ‘Self-love’
Of course, the world needs romance. In the words of Maya Angelou:
“Our community without romance risks being brutish and crass and superficial and brittle and cruel and even murderous”.
Self-love instead of supplementing, spoils the ‘genuine’
romance in the lives of people. Wasn’t love the first thing that taught
inherently selfish human beings to think and care about others? Traditionally,
our scriptures and cultural ethos too, emphasize the values of modesty,
humbleness, sacrifice, and devotion. Egoism has always been cautioned against. This
Gen Z invention of self-love is justifying apathy, arrogance, self-obsession,
selfishness, short-tempered bluntness, foul language, and neglect of social and
professional responsibilities as a mark of self-love. They are teaching each
other to accept all personal traits and emotions, even if they are jealousy,
anger, and hatred.
Romeo and Juliet would actually love themselves and live. How? like Cyrus would? by buying herself flowers and taking herself dancing? This highlights a parallel economy of self-love running on the vague, customized, and adapted literature that social media platforms and pop culture promote. There exists an inexhaustive list of beauty products, self-care goodies, tour packages, music concerts (Tylor Swift’s recent world tour generated 5 billion, more than the GDP of several countries), sex toys and services, cafes and ashrams, therapists, meditation mentors and much more. All being sold as a route to prioritize one’s own passions, tastes, health, and desires, above the mundane everyday responsibilities.
So, is self-love creating a generation of passive, consumerist, self-indulgent hippies lacking higher ambitions and purpose in life (like saving the world instead of making money out of it)? Not really.
Understanding Self-love
I did
love myself before I learnt there was such a thing called, ‘self-love’. I think
I did it secretly and made an inner citadel (which I did see crumbling
in my later years). It was never a necessity or responsibility though. I would
return from school to a mother watching my way, questioning the delay, pampering
me like I have come from a war, and then serving me the tastiest food in the
world. My dad would take me out whenever I would get a first rank in class and
thus celebrating my achievements was never my task. On some days, he would actually
bring flowers for me from his morning or evening walks. None of it was so special until
now. In fact, I had complaints about several forms and textures of this love,
like overprotectiveness, curfews, over-involvement to leave no space for
privacy, the patriarchal mending of vices, imposition of ideas I would find obsolete
and problematic, etc. Still, this love did all the heavy lifting for the verb that
is ‘self-love’.
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One of my favorite Jasmine days |
My parents never taught me to put myself first, or to celebrate myself, because they were always there to do that for me. In fact, I rarely saw them doing things only for themselves. However, this is unsustainable in the long run. My inner citadel was built at times when I would lose my parent's love to my younger brother. He did not win here either, as he started deriving his self-worth from what my parent's opinions said about it. I realize a lot of skirmishes in my family were a result of our dependency on each other for the agape romance which Maya Angelou talked about.
I compare my childhood with that of a friend who would return to an empty house. He could not have made it through without filling the void that his parent's absence, due to their busy schedule, had left. It took him a lot of time and scars to build a citadel which is the spikiest I have known so far. Self-love is indeed a necessity for a lot of inevitable gaps in the genuine romance of the world which are impossible for us to fill for each other.
'Self-love' of a kind in which you look at yourself like you would look at your romantic interest isn't as weird as I thought. You actually learn a lot about love and commitment when you choose to see yourself as a person you actually are in love with. You learn to manage to work with your flaws, forgive yourself when needed, and stand up for yourself every time. There is this concept called the 'Pygmalion effect' based on how our perceptions about ourselves and set beliefs have a greater impact on our lives than our actual abilities and circumstances. When you are your own lover, you naturally hold a higher regard for yourself than you might objectively deserve.
The heterosexual idea of romance in the mainstream fails to be inclusive of different cultures, bodies, genders, identities, and methods of loving ourselves. It also makes the issue of changing dynamics of love and romance due to changing roles of men and women, invisible. Self-love brings democracy in romance in which anyone can be the hero or heroine and write their own story. All skin colors and body types are equally entitled to be the main character. Self-love also trains you to treat every other person you meet, with the same awe and glorification, creating a powerful positive loop.
When it comes to the budget of this movie on self-love, the indulgence does seem consumerist at times. However, it is this self-absorption and indulgence that has given birth to art, spirituality, music, and creativity of all kinds.
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One of the wallpaper materials from Uj's |
Germany is in fact giving away $216 to 18 year old's for attending concerts, operas et al. for the promotion of the cultural sector among the masses. All the higher forms of art were patronized by the royals and elite and even practiced by a class of culturally advanced sections of society. All indulgences in self-love, no matter how expensive or capitalist, democratize the patronage as well as practice of art and higher qualitypleasuresof life.
However, one can actually afford such higher expressions of romance for oneself only when the basic needs of life are met. Someone has to labor to save the world. Still, the adventure should not involve a complete sacrifice of one's physical or mental health, passions, career, etc. A memoir of one such serial volunteer who lived only to solve the problems of the world serves me with such a quintessential example. Self-aggrandizement be it with degrees, accolades, jewels or manners is everybody's personal responsibility too. The best gift you can give to people connected to you is your own upliftment.
Of course, I still, sometimes, cringe at reels and videos of people glorifying themselves with love songs played in the background. I just hope self-love keeps them immune from the perpetual need of validation and the wait for someone else to compliment them.
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