The Talk MATRIX

-Art work by Ujala

I saw a YouTube thumbnail featuring Simen Sinek and Trevor Noah with orange footnotes in all caps "IS SMALL TALK BETTER THAN LONG TALK?". It was one of the days among other days. I was scrolling YouTube with some purpose I can't recall. I got lost again in the allure of algorithms, which always helped me forget my painful longings of inner realization for a good number of hours. It sometimes worked so well that it would help me hide from myself and my callings for days.

I was always at loggerheads with my best friend on the issue of small talks. I saw no point in conversations if it could not make people truly express, and while doing so, reflect on what they just said and heard. Reporting that you had dinner and are gaining a bit of weight these days, is all nonsense. She would always counter how long talks can be meaningful only if they lie amidst several small talks. That not everyone has the luxury of time and space for such reflections, and it can be well compensated with a series of small talks.

If I had to choose best friend based on their opinion they had of small talks, she would have been the last woman on earth I would have called a friend. It's ironic though, she holds the credit of allowing the largest number and longest conversations I have ever had in my adult life. And it was possible only because I could truly dive deep without worrying about explaining which friend I am referring to or which childhood memory influences my tone and argument. 

It had been a month since I last talked to her. She was busy studying for some exam. I was supposed to be busier if anyone saw the goals and wishlists I had filled my journals with.

•  Learn dancing,
• Learn Illustration
• learn 5 languages
• learn writing effectively,
• learn how to be an effective communicator, 
• read 24 books a year,
•  the 12 of those should be the books you found worthy of repeating,
• Study the field of waste management,
• Learn about finances and investing
• Write a letter to the person you love
• Never send that letter to him
• Ask for help from an old successful friend
• Get a secret part-time job no one knows about
• Get into a good shape, avoid unhealthy snacks, and overeating
• Do meditation to lessen anxiety
• Pray and try to believe. Although you keep collecting arguments which question the existence of God and follow several atheist thinkers, philosophers, intellectuals, and influencers.
• and at the end, crack the toughest examination in the world. Just simply without having anything related to the competitiveness in my list above.

The video I was watching presently was a long intellectual exchange between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah. There were tidbits in the beginning about how they don't get to see each other enough to have a small talk. Of course, they both loved long intellectual conversations which could make 'Simon's head hurt'. Trevor, on the other hand, made a mild counter argument which he had an epiphany of pretty recently in his life (which apparently was the reason behind the video and the thumbnail I suppose). According to Trevor, small talks bring people on the same page before they start. According to him, if people asked about the weather at their places, it somehow made it easy to follow up with, "Whom did you vote?"  

The video had my full attention for its entire duration. I was dreading its end. I had already started looking at other thumbnails so that I could start another video before this ends. I wished to be trapped in the middle of a long talk forever. If there was a room with the label 'the long talk', I would lock myself in it. Small talks have destroyed me and yet long talks couldn't save me. I have grown apart from my family. There is no long talk between us and no small talk either. It is reporting and undertaking decisions based on reports, outcomes, and a general conditional consensus. I have grown apart from my best friend. There is no space for long talks these days, small talks pinch me and leave me salted. 

My family sometimes tells me what's going on in their lives. I try to use the opportunity, by guiding this small report to turn into a long conversation. I analyze the circumstances, try to sift out a deeper meaning from the mundane. They always sense it, long before I even start. They ask me to not worry or think about what's happening in the house. Cracking one of the toughest exams in the world is a big enough challenge. They always tell me that they value my time and cut the calls short again. They think that the exam must be the only point in my journal, they think that it should be the only thing in my mind.

 Sometimes, when they finally give in to talking, and it is usually the most vulnerable of the members, they only expect me to listen. I always misunderstand. However, I like getting to know the reports that take longer to be explained and communicated. These conversations too, die out soon after a few follow-ups. Sometimes, their venting becomes unbearable to me and I try to cut it short. I find everything irrational and insensible. They only wanted me to listen and don't like it when I point it out. The rant becomes excruciating and I think, 'only if I didn't have enough problems in my own life'. I avoid these calls. I am left with the regular small salted talks again.

I have started noticing a pattern in how I have been conducting my long talks lately, whenever I get a chance to talk to a friend who is friendly enough and rings me up for a small talk. I talk to convince the other person. I persuade them about a logical, rational argument I am making and coerce them into believing that it fits right into the subjective context the conversation is about. Then I go on about why I am where I am and then justify to them why I should turn in a particular direction, which is the singular sensible thing in the universe. All this when all they ask for is 'how are you doing?' 

I am in pain. I have no answers. I can't point out the problem, delve deeper, analyze, and come up with a solution for myself. I am so scared. I don't know what this fear is. This is the first year in my life I truly feel vanquished. No matter what the question has been, I always had answers. These days, I am never asserting or being unapologetic about my decisions in life. Initially I blamed everyone who influenced my decisions. Patriarchy was the first target of all my wrath, which was about the structure I was struggling with. 

Today, I admit I can be wrong even before I am called out. I get lost in the mesmerizing narratives of the other side, my opponents. Forgetting that I have to defend the case and leave it all together, thinking I might be on the wrong side. I always ended stories on a positive note, endings were meant to be happy. I crave for an end for me now. I want to know what happens next, without participating in my life, like a movie, or a daily soap, or a series. I don't want to write the life script, it never gets executed under my sole direction anyways. It has been turning out distracted, incoherent, and without any clear message, just like my essay writing as the AI keeps telling me. It is only now that I can say it but the truth has been sitting on my thresholds for a long time. It has bypassed all my censorship. It has been bypassing all small talks, all long talks.

I decide to be openly vulnerable today. The past few months, I have shed tears everywhere. Salted my pillows, my handkerchiefs, metroseats, cafe tables, a friend's gentle consoling arms, embrace, freshly cemented wet roads to my quarters, my study table, my phone, my laptop, my notebooks, my sweaters, bathroom tiles. I stay hydrated though so that the shedding is compensated. My eyes well up again, that I don't have a short story to tell you, why.