A couple in a long-term relationship who truly understands the science of their happiness might get irked by the tone and relevance of this write-up. Love when seen in isolation, is of course not a pursuit of togetherness. Love is giving, sacrifice, and a lot of channelization of energies (physical, mental, and emotional) which is not supposed to feel like work in a relationship. In that sense, I think love is a state of 'flow'. That experience we feel when we are deeply immersed in something optimally challenging, giving the whole of our being, time, best of our ideas, strength, resolve, and will. Making progress, growing through it even at the cost of little scars hither and tither, and yet enjoying every bit of it. What really makes love so powerful and magical is the existence of this flow. The 'flow' is the premise of all achievements of humankind and the world it has created, be it the discovery of theories, harnessing creativity, or innovating new ideas. Flow can make the impossible, possible and the more passion the stronger the flow.
In my definition of love, 'the flow' is what love is centered on. If your love lacks flow it is not 'love' yet. It is just your being wanting an outlet for your physical, mental, and emotional energies in a way it pleases you. We often hear people saying how sex is a human 'need' but please believe Bob Dylan, if not me, "All you need is love and love is all you need". Had sex been so important we have had no ascetics or voluntary celibates renouncing the world and its pleasures for the love of God! This clarification was important because the idea of sex as a human need, which has so far been an expression of liberation is now becoming an instrument of oppression. In love, sexual energies are also channelized in the form of jealousy, protection, and self-improvisation. A wife keeping an eye on her husband, a mother protecting her children, and a lover ready to die for his love interest are such examples. The proof of love is flow. It is possible that one person might get in the flow early on and the other catches up, it is possible that 'the flow' seems reachable with the first butterflies in the beginning but both fail to get to that point with each other. There are several possibilities for the flow and its trajectory and the pursuit of togetherness is actually the pursuit of this 'flow'. The flow can happen once and never again, for some unfortunate ones, the flow can never happen at all and then there must be people grooving to the music of the flows, having the time of their life with infinite flows with multiple persons and ideas all the time. The flow is indeed rare, and precious, and often needs time, space, and the right setting. The long walks in nature, exotic honeymoon locations, self-grooming for 'the one', and several other symbols of romance we see around are actually preparations for that perfect flow, but thankfully, not a part of it.
Can a flow be maintained for eternity? Hardly, if at all it is humanly possible to do so. Along with external distractions in a sophisticated world, there are human limits to concentration too. I believe a long and happy relationship must be feeling like a successfully achieved Ph.D. requiring lots of patience, effort, and continuous growth with the one research problem one is supposed to get into flow with every day. One would need lots of breaks, editing, corrections, and reorientations to survive it. Giving up is so tempting unless your life depends on it. As the world changes, so does your research problem and you sometimes end up with something completely different from what you started with, which is amazing, usually! Still, some research problems are not worth it and one must know if there is a promise of love (flow) at all for them there.
The world has a plethora of beautiful love stories and yet broken, unsteady, and screwed relationships are more common. Although flow is a deeply immersive feeling, it is not flawless either. I never said you would not mess up in the flow, would never err, and won't end up feeling like the most stupid person in the world. Sometimes, we are too scared to give our all in anything, to risk everything in one toss and actively avoid flow even if it is right in front, inviting us to its arms. This is the reason people keep dangling in selective unfulfilling romantic partnerships. Maybe people are afraid of singlehood, maybe romance is overrated, maybe society ties them with infinite inertia to someone with whom the flow got over a long time ago, or maybe they don't know about the flow of friendships!
You do not always need the person you love to sustain your flow. I am sure we all know how some break-ups bring out the best of art, music, and poetry in the world. So the loss is really theirs who did not join you in your flow! The pain of Adelle's music, Taylor's blank spaces, and Selena's jungles would not have been as subtle if they were not the redirected flows they had imagined with someone else before!
Does not matter if you are there alone or have someone you really want to be with forever, it is important to work on the flow somewhere in something and prove your love. Proving love is not just to please the person you are in love with. It is for yourself to experience clarity, to know if you really loved or if it was just you and your infatuation.
As Napoleon Hill says, "One who has loved truly, can never lose entirely. Love is whimsical and temperamental. Its nature is ephemeral and transitory. It comes when it pleases and goes away without warning."
The process of proving your love solidifies it and tames its whimsical nature. It adds meaning to what you once felt or still feel and gives a whole new purpose to life. It is an entirely different ride altogether, much different from falling in love. Much more painful and yet most fulfilling. It always transforms you into a better version of yourself. It feels so good to have someone to prove your love towards. How beautiful it is to learn you met the prettiest person on the planet (even if they just exist and are not accessible or available to you). It is a privilege to know yourself or create yourself with a fire you had never known before. If none of these happen, maybe you never loved and should find something else or someone else to finish yourself for. Even if we find love, we fail to truly touch, feel and hold it until we prove it.
Now, what actually does prove love? Flow is indeed vague to assess and is just a feeling that cannot be tangibly displayed. It is also important to recognize that although you may try to prove your love, you can never truly curate a test for somebody else. Since everyone is unique, what might feel most special to them differ. For example, my mother believes in little gestures of love, little hints, cues, and doing something for the other. Contrarily, my father believes in grand gestures, explicitly saying and showing love again and again. He is quick to apologize while my mother would just make something special for dinner to compensate. This often leads to skirmishes, where she would complain that his love and apologies are empty as he repeats the same mistakes while he would claim not being respected enough because he never gets straight apologies or confessions, mistakes being part of life. Of course, they will never listen to the advice of growth from a 22-year-old who, although has never been in any 'romantic relationship' (just on the verge of beginning some), claims to know a lot about love with extraordinary certainty. So much so that she decided to write about it with affronting confidence. Of course, they will remove her from their will for commenting on their below-average 'flow'. However, that does not dissuade her from believing that they once had a perfect flow and being glad to be a result of that!
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| A couple Ujala knows the best |
I know anyone who reads this might get disappointed by my revelation of zero romantic relationships, and might even feel betrayed after reading so many words. Yet, it is a universal fact, that romance is not the only form of love that exists or is worth talking about. I have been in a relationship that gave me the most beautiful flow I could have imagined for myself. It was very unexpected and there was never a promise of 'flow'. Yet, it was kept as if love was indebted to us. I was talkative, and she was a good listener. Today, I am a much better listener (with occasional taunts and reminders from her, every now and then), and the articulation of her feelings these days amazes me infinitely.
There is a lot to write about her (which I will in another post someday) but presently, it has been three years since I hugged her. She stays ~1500kms away from me (only physically so), speaks in a language alien to my mother tongue, and both of us have our own set of best friends we chill with. In these three years, she got into a romantic relationship, explored a lot of life lessons which are mine too, and has learned to create a balance between her soul Sista and boyfriend pretty smoothly. Still, our identities are still as intermingled as they were when we first met in college.
One of the ways I found to maintain the flow was to learn Telugu (the language of her heart). There is still a lot of progress that has to be made before I book a ticket to Telangana and meet her. This would be proof of love, maybe a tangible one too! It has helped me grow, strengthen our bond, and extend my comfort zone. Proving your love is always a win-win and worth every second and every ounce of energy you give in! So the next time, don't just promise love, prove it!
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| Someone I love proving my love towards References- 1. A day well spent binging Alian de button (books, ted-talks, podcasts etc.) 2. The sharp realization of missing Srija around while eating momos and gulping buttermilk. 3. Getting 'same to you' instead of 'I love you too' (from Srija) and coping with it. 4. Learning that my parents have stopped missing their children and are becoming cool+romantic wander lusters somehow (again?!) 5. Crying incessantly after watching intensly romantic movies |
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